TWO TALL trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to
grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on
the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Montana grizzly bear notice:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen
to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop is larger and has
little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a
bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the
tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts
putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says,
"I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for
it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't
out run a
bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to out run the bear. . . I only
have to out run you."
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all
the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a
cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing
happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on
the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home
they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that
this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The other guy
says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
The wife of an avid hunter decided to find out what all the
excitement was about when it came to deer hunting. So she asked her husband to teach
her. The husband spent all summer teaching her to shoot and about the wily
the Whitetail deer.
Finally, "Opening Day" came around and the pair started off before
first light. The husband, flashlight in hand, escorted his wife to her hunting stand and
told her that he would be about 300 yards away from her and if she shot a deer he would
The husband had just reached his stand when he heard his wife shoot. Since it
was still too dark to see anything, he feared the worst and went running to his wife's
location. As he neared the location he heard his wife shouting, "IT'S MY DEER,
I SHOT IT!!" He heard a man reply "OK, Lady. Just let me get my saddle off
A MOTHER sardine was exercising her brood one day, when a
submarine went by, leaving them in some disorder. "Don't worry," she reassured
her family, "it's just a can ful of people."
AFTER much preparation my teenage daughter and I arrived for
a week-long canoe trip in Algonquin Park in Ontario. A stiff wind was blowing and waves
were crashing into the dock as we finished loading the canoe. To avoid a rocky point on
the downwind side of the bay, we started off upwind. After 15 minutes of tough paddling,
we were well out in the lake and turned downwind, looking forward to some easy paddling.
Our respite was short lived, however, because that's when we looked towards the dock - and
saw our car, the doors and trunk still wide open.
IN A secluded, wooded area, my father and brother-in-law were
working on a new house. Dad, working alone on his side of the house, amused himself doing
bird whistles. One bird kept up a running conversation with him most of the morning, and
Dad was amazed at the bird's uncanny mimicry. Breaking for lunch, the men started to
relate their morning's activities. And, of course, they both had the same story to tell.
AFTER a day at the resort patterned after a ranch and the
featured "short horseback ride" that took about two hours up and down the
mountain trails, one guest expressed the saddle-weary feelings of most of us.
"Tomorrow, " he said, "they either give me a very skinny horse, or they put
the saddle on his neck."
BETWEEN my son's first and second years at college he took a
job as camp counselor in Alberta's Crimson Lake Provincial Park - about 16 kilometers from
the nearest telephone.
After about two weeks of not hearing from him, I started to worry that he had
never reached the camp. Desperate, I called the RCMP and poured out my fears.
My son told me later that two Mounties rode into camp and without dismounting
asked to speak to him. As he stood trembling before them, one said, "Write to
your mother!" Then they wheeled their horses about and rode away.
WHILE on a fishing trip, I stopped at a lakeside campground
to do some bank fishing. As I was getting settled, an elderly man in the next
campsite began chatting. He asked if I was alone, and when I replied that I was, he
said, "Well, why don't you come on over later? I've got some cold beer.
We'll lie to each other about fishing for an hour or so, then we'll start cussing the
government." That we did.