ONE cold autumn night, we sat comfortable and warm in our
living room listening to the weather report. My brother dreamily asked, "I wonder
what the temperature is in Florida?" I added, "I wonder what it is in
Hawaii!" My grandfather grumpily asked, "I wonder what it is in
A FRIEND'S husband, a meteorologist, was to be transferred to a weather
station in Alaska. Since grocery prices there are exorbitant, it was suggested that they
buy certain items before they left and ship them. Prior to their departure date, my friend
was shopping at a supermarket, unaware that a man was watching her as she piled case after
case into her two carts. Finally the man stopped her. "Miss," he said, "I
was just wondering. DO YOU know something I don't know?"
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked
the attractive, large-breasted lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," smiled
Jack. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn." The next morning at the
crack of dawn, the two were back on the road. . .About a month later, Jack, while reading
his mail, turned to his good buddy and said: "Bob, do you remember that good looking
young widow at the farm we stayed at?" Bob smiled knowingly: "Yes, I
do." Jack glared at him and asked: "Did you happen to get up in the middle
of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes,"
smirked Bob. "I have to admit that I did." Jack scowled: "Did you
happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned
red: "Yeah, I'm afraid I did. . ."Jack continued: "Well, I just got a
letter addressed to me from her attorney. Seems she died suddenly in a car accident
and I was named her sole heir!"
ON A recent trip to Auyuittuq National Park, on
Baffin Island, we were blessed with the sunniest weather in seven summers. Inuit wardens
were so astonished at the warmth that - reversing roles - they stopped a tourist to take a
photograph of someone wearing shorts.
GALE-FORCE winds and frigid temperatures had
taken their toll: Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts.
As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the
scene of a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main
electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat
collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public. Finally, at 5:40
a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended
"Well, mate," one of them said, "congratulations. You've
successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."
JADE, my friend's 16-year- old grandson, stopped by on his
way to his friend's home in the country. Since central Alberta was experiencing
temperatures of -30C, she was concerned about his safety and asked, "Do you have
something with you to keep from freezing if you go in the ditch: "Yes," he
replied, "a cellular phone."
HAVING always lived in Toronto, my sister was puzzled by this
weather forecast she heard on the radio soon after moving to the West Coast: "Rain in
the morning turning to showers in the afternoon."
DURING a blizzard I was crawling along in a line
of cars on the local highway. Visibility was limited to a few meters, and I rolled my
window down to see what was delaying us.
Ahead, a police car with a flashing light was pulled up beside two cars with
crumpled bumpers locked. Before them stood a rugged young policeman in shirt sleeves,
efficiently signaling us around the wreck with a red flashlight. As I drew near, the
window of a car going the opposite way rolled down, and a middle-aged woman thrust out her
"Jo-Jo! Put on your jacket!" she commanded.
The young officer winced.
"Aw, Mom!" he protested. But seeing the determined set of her
mouth, he reluctantly reached into his patrol car and drew out his trooper's jacket.
IN EARLY spring, while still experiencing
unusually severe winter weather, I went to the grocery store for my weekly shopping. On my
way home I noticed a number of drivers slow down to read a sign on a service station
billboard. In bold black letters on a bright yellow background were the words, THINK
SPRING. I chuckled as I skidded and slid along the road home.
Two weeks later, the forecast was still gloomy - snow, and more snow. While
driving by the same service station, I noticed one word had been added to the sign. It now
read: THINK SPRING - HARDER.
I HAD just moved north and was feeling apprehensive about the
severity of the winters in my new home. My anxious queries about the weather brought this
reply from a native: "Ma'am, we have four seasons here - early winter, midwinter,
late winter and next winter."
DURING the first heavy snowfall of the year, I ran upstairs
to my apartment to retrieve the plastic storage box in which I kept the winter supplies
for my car. Hurrying back out of the building, I slipped on the last step, fell forward,
landed flat on my stomach on top of the container and skidded across the icy parking lot.
As I stood up, trying to restore my dignity, a voice called out to me: "Aren't those
Rubbermaid products wonderful? They just seem to have so many uses."
THE city was submerged in a torrential rain. After work, I
boarded a bus for home and was listening only vaguely as the driver bellowed each of the
street stops. However, as we approached my street, transformed into a small lake by an
ineffective drainage system, he pulled me from my reverie by singing out, "All ashore
who's going ashore."