The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What
to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He
scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive
4. Available in attractive containers.'
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
wants. 'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really
hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're
having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna
get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks
if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins
the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone
starts eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never told me that you were such a
religious person.' He leans over to her and says, 'You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist.'
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I
suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out
of gas' routine." "No," said Fred," I'm going to pull the 'here after'
routine." "The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
MY BROTHER Joe, in his early 20s, works for an air-conditioning company and looks so
youthful that customers sometimes refer to him as "that kid." Concerned he
wasn't being taken seriously, he grew a mustache to make himself look older. I asked him
if his new appearance made a difference in the way his clients treated him. "It sure
does," Joe replied. "Now they call me 'that kid with a mustache.' "
OUR courtship had just begun, and Roger impressed me with his
honesty and simple values. The way he acted on our third date made me believe he found me
as appealing as I did him, for he edged closer to me as the evening progressed. Finally,
he blurted, "I love that smell."
"Evening in Paris?" I smiled coyly.
"No," he murmured as he buried his face in my shoulder. "Fresh
THE last-minute Christmas rush was on, and there was a long
line at the express counter of our local co-op grocery store, where our 17 -year-old
daughter worked as a cashier. The tiredness and strain showed plainly on her face as she
looked at the next customer, a young man who had been waiting patiently. There were no
groceries piled on the counter, so she asked if she could help him. "I would like to
buy a smile, please," the young man replied and handed her a quarter. Caught by
surprise, her face broke into a grin. "Thank you," he said, "that's all I
AS I stepped from my car to the sidewalk a rough-looking
teenager approached me from the nearby telephone booth. He had a confused expression on
his face. Suddenly he blurted out, "When did Columbus sail across the Atlantic
Ocean?" "In 1492," I replied. "Thank you," he said
with relief. "Now I remember the phone number!"
I WAS scheduled to leave on a 5 a.m. flight and had asked my
20-year-old son to drive me to the airport. After much prodding that morning, I
finally managed to get him to the car. Within a few minutes, the sun broke over the
horizon on one of the nicest mornings of the year. "What a gorgeous sunrise," I
remarked to my son. "I wouldn't know," he sleepily replied, "I have
nothing to compare it to."
MY 19-YEAR-OLD granddaughter stood watching as her dad,
grandfather and great-grandfather loaded tackle boxes, rods and bait to go on a fishing
trip. As they got into the car, her grandfather -- asked with total confidence,
"What kind of fish do you want us to bring home for supper?" "Well,
if you're filling orders, I'd like bass," my granddaughter replied. Then she
grinned. "And, Grandpa, don't pay over two dollars and twenty-five cents a
OUR teenage daughter, Cathy, had just been given family-car
privileges. One Friday night she returned home late from a party. The next morning
her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house
frowning. At 11:30 Cathy sleepily walked into the kitchen to face the question.
"What time did you get in last night?" "Not too late,
Dad." "Then I'll have to talk with the paper-boy about putting my paper
under the front tire of the car," was her father's straight-faced comment.
AS MY 19th birthday approached, my mother asked me what I
would like on that special day. I asked for a world of peace. I was amazed to
find my prized stereo removed from my room.
MY BROTHER was "going steady" for the first time
and was anxious about meeting his girlfriend's parents. "Well," my mother
asked on his return home, "how did it go?" "Oh, Mom," he said,
"I think her parents really like me. Her father offered three times to drive me
OUR 22-year-old son, the last of our five children to leave
home, was about to move into his own apartment. I had decided to redecorate his
room, and asked him to please get all his things out of it. Roger took the news in
an apparently blasé manner. Then, as he left the house, he betrayed his real
feelings with this poignant farewell: "I'll be back next week to pack up my
OUR youngest son, just turned 16 proudly applied for his
first real job. He was puzzled by some of the questions asked in the interview, but had no
difficulty answering the final one: "What is the one thing about yourself you would
change if you could?" His answer: "My bank account." He went to work the
MY NIECE, after living in several apartments, found one in
the area where she had grown up. "The best thing about this apartment," she said
to her sister, "is that it's within walking distance of the grocery store."
"What grocery store?" her sister asked. "You know," my
niece said. "Mum's house."
MY TEENAGE son was at that rebellious stage when a parent's
endorsement of anything is the kiss of death. So I was pleased he asked me to help
him pick a shirt to wear to a party. On his bed were the choices: blue, white and
beige. "I like the blue one," I said. "What's your second
choice?" "The white one." "Thanks," he said - and put
on the beige shirt.
HAVING just moved out on my own, I didn't have many nice
serving dishes for a Boxing Day brunch I was planning. I went to borrow some of my
mom's and told her I'd need her warming plate, several bowls, cutlery, and her silver
gravy bowl and ladle for the hollandaise sauce. I asked her if the metal would make
the sauce curdle, and my brother, who walked by in time to hear the question, piped up:
"Heck no! Everyone knows there's no place like chrome for the
WHEN I discovered my first grey hair, I immediately wrote to
my parents: "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to
experience this with me too." I taped the offending hair to the paper and
mailed it. My father's response, titled "Sonnet to a Hair," began:
It 's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first grey hair. . .
He signed off with this observation: "That grey hair you sent us is not the first one
you gave us!"
WHILE shopping at a supermarket, I noticed a young man
staring at a very attractive young woman. I watched as he approached her and looked over
her shoulder at her shopping list. She turned, startled. "Sorry!" he said.
"I was just looking to see if I was on your list of things to pick up,"
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for
four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each
other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college
but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west
coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could
together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home,
and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he
her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted
to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off
her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid
picture of her sucking her
new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading,
"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed.
So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following,
"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and
mailed the picture to HER parents.
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet
the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about
the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a
state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway
through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer
without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's
mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been
blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called
out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and
I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother.
"Get over here before he craps on you!"