Things That Sound Dirty At Christmas.....But Aren't
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
Advice for Women
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her, Dine her, Call her,
Hug her, Hold her, Surprise her,
Compliment her, Smile at her, Laugh with her,
Cry with her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her,
Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
12 THINGS You Should Never Say When Pulled Over
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
- Are You Andy or Barney?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- I pay your salary!
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
- When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up
dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got
enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
Here are a few reasons that girls like guys:
The way they always wear their favorite cologne.
(which happens to be the one that you bought them for their birthday)
2. The way they run their hands through your hair.
3. The way that they look at you and you want to die right then and
4. The way that they casually put their arms around you.
5. The way that they kiss away your tears.
6. And the way that they then get mad at how they can't make your problem
7. The way they show off around their friends, even though you both know
that you would love them even if they missed a basket or two.
8. How their eyes light up at the result of 3 hours of preparing for your
9. How they always know just what to say to make you blush.
10. How they sometimes think that they know just what to say to make you
feel better, even if you think that it is the worst thing that they could say.
11. The way they hold you close when you are cold.
THE CONSTITUTION OF LOVE
If you love someone, show them and say so!
If a kiss is the language of love, then we have a lot to
METHODS OF LOVE
Kiss on the ear = "I'm Horny"
Kiss on the cheek = "We're Friends"
Kiss on the hand = "I Adore You"
Kiss on the shoulder = "I Want You"
Kiss on the lips = "I Love You"
Kiss on everywhere else = "Let's get Busy"
Holding hands = "We Can Learn To Love Each Other"
A wink = "Let's Get It On"
Slap on the butt = "Watch Out"
Playing with the ear = "I Can't Live Without You"
Arms around the waist = "I Love You To Much To Let Go"
Pulling hair on head = "Tell Me You Love Me"
Looking into each other's eyes = "Let's Get Romantic"
Holding on tight = "Don't Let Go"
If you are kissing someone, close your eyes.
It's not nice to stare!
1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. I doubt, therefore I might be.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Company Cars have the following
features rarely found in
- They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
- They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
- They have a much shorter braking distance.
- They have a much tighter turning circle.
- They can take ramps or any other hazard at twice the speed of
- Battery, water, oil and tire pressures do not need to be
nearly so often.
- The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
- They only burn the most expensive petrol.
- They do not need to be garaged at night.
- They can be driven miles with the oil warning light flashing.
- They very seldom need cleaning, especially inside.
- The suspension is reinforced to permit carriage of concrete
slabs or other heavy building materials for weekend DIY work.
- They are specially adapted to allow reverse gear to be engaged
whilst the car is still moving forward.
- The tire walls are designed to allow bumping into and over
- Unusual or alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the
adjustment of the fitted radio volume control knob.
- No security needed - may be left unlocked with the keys in the
- They are designed to tow loads far exceeding normal and are
suited for backing into water at loading ramps.
- No need to take the foot off the clutch while waiting for the
lights to change.
- Much better for the 17 year olds to learn driving in.
What I Want In A Man, Original List
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
A Cowboys Guide To Life
1. Never squat with yer spurs on.
2. There's 2 theories to arguin with a woman - neither one works.
3. Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger 'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin you're a person of some influence, try orderin
somebody elses dog around.
5. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
7. Never smack a man who's chewn tabacco.
8. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
9. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
10. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
13. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back now and then to
make sure it's still there.
14. When you're throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it in
16. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
17. Finally, NEVER kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day.
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own
equipment for play.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being
denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire
course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners
have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced
players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
Corporate America - Where do you fit in?
Leaps tall buildings on a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives Policy to God
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks to God
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special permission is approved
Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug of war with a switch
Can fire a speeding bullet
Is occasionally addressed by God
Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Calls swimming "Staying Alive In The Water"
Talks to animals
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building
Says look at the choo-choo
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is a god
Top 45 Oxymorons:
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works